I didn’t see I had requests to view my blog! Aww thank you guys for caring. I’m sorry I went private. I just couldn’t bare the thought of sharing my sex stories with the world anymore, I stopped checking stats months ago but when I would think to take a look I was getting way more hits than I was comfortable with. I will probably open back up in the future, but for now I need to feel safe and protected here.
So I went back to being a sexless prude. Having a public blog sharing stuff about threesomes and sex lists and dildo adventures just didn’t feel genuine anymore. Not that it wasn’t the truth and my true feelings at the time, but so much has changed in the past year.
What happened? Well, gosh, nothing really.
Truthfully, our last threesome was great! I came away sweaty and happy and fulfilled, and even walked funny for a few days. But that was in November. And James doesn’t call or come around much, it seems he only needs it once every couple months. I need more.
But with most areas of my life, I can’t seem to articulate just exactly it is that I want, what I want to change. So I went back to how I was before because I didn’t want to want anymore. Back to not caring about sex, to having a headache or being too tired. The, without the steady flow of orgasms and confidence boosts, I really was too tired, too sad and sexless and evidently depressed.
Today, all my confidence is gone, I can barely look in the mirror, let alone imagine taking a photo of myself.
Which makes it hard to get into having exciting open marriage fun.
So hello, are you glad you are here now?
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt much worse a month ago, when I had NO hope, and I avoided all things sex-related, and REALLY couldn’t look in the mirror. I remember how I talked about putting my hair in a bun and it meant I was ready to take on the day. Now it means I haven’t brushed my hair in a week. Funny how things change.
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel it again. Maybe I will be contacted by a past lover telling me I’m missed. Maybe a platonic friend will show up at my door and give me words of wisdom and hugs that I need from someone other than my spouse. Or maybe I will learn to love myself again (and not for being pretty, but for being smart and caring and passionate about things I love, and being interesting and fun to be with…this is all I want)….