Wait, what? I thought I published this~!!!! I’m confusing myself or I went on to My Truths #3. Ooops!
I really enjoyed the comments on yesterday’s post, in fact I think the comment strings reveal more about My Truths #1 thoughts and feelings.
MT #2: The things I’m most afraid of my husband doing with another woman, are often things I want to do with another man.
So obviously my husband and I both prefer a scenario where we play together whether with a guy, a girl, or a couple. But I can’t deny that I fantasize about getting to know the guys I have sex with more than I had been. I think the casual friendship we have with James is perfect, though I think it would be better if we got to see him more, because it never feels like we have enough time. Having said that…
I admit, I would enjoy being alone with him or another man because I think it would just be fucking hot and exciting. That includes the lead up, flirting and messaging. The primping and shopping for the occasion.
So, I’m a hypocrite. I want something but don’t want my loving hubby to have it.
I think it comes down to differences in gender. I’ve read so many times that woman are fickle creatures. One day something turns us on while the next day it turns us off. For some women, catching us in the right mood is like winning a prize at the carnival, we are moving targets. It takes work to get to know us, time and energy, and trust-building. Then respect, and taking good care of yourself and working to look sexy and desirable. Do I want my husband to invest that time and energy into another women?
For me to find another man, no offense, but I wouldn’t need to talk or learn his likes or dislikes, or figure out what makes him tick. No, I just need to move the right way, show the right skin or look at him and smile at the right moment. And remind him I’ve been told I give the best blow jobs.
Maybe I give myself too much credit…. If we forget that fact, can we just agree that it would take a woman a lot less time and energy to find an eager partner than a man? Is his attention, not his penis, the thing I’m protective over?
So getting back to My Truths, #2, I’ll admit, it is bullshit mental games. Why is it okay for me to want to get to know another man to increase my desire, not because I want a new partner, but because I think I would like it more, but I want to withhold that from my best friend? I’m spending way too much mental energy on this fear instead of moving on with enjoying our relationship. I suppose that is why there is this sense of urgency in finding another woman, because I know it can’t be the worst thing, and I just need to try it.
Back and forth…stand by my fear or test it? All my life I’m wishy washy trying to make everyone happy. We can’t just make ourselves happy though, right? I’m responsible for more than my own happiness now.