filled and fooled

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Just another Manic Monday! All About The Truths

30 Comments

Happy Monday, I hope you had a nice weekend! It has been a while since I did a Manic Monday post.

I’ve been busy concluding some long-term scientific research I’ve been conducting.  Before my results are shared with the world I’m going to give you a sneak peek. But first,  would you like to participate in my study?

The process is simple, just look at the photo and record your answer in the poll immediately following the image.

IMG_20140131_012952

IMAGE 1

IMAG7484

IMAGE 2

So far my results are consistent:

Participant’s verbal response to two different types of boob pics show a striking pattern.   If I pull my top down, “Boobies!!” is exclaimed by 98.3% of the participants. If I pull my top up, “Tittays!!” is exclaimed by 97.8% of the participants.*

What this means for the world right now is yet to be told.

*This study has been fictionalized for comedic sake.

For the record, I’m flattered by “Tittays” as the Urban Dictionary says that means they are really nice tits.

Now, I’m going to share something I’ve been meaning to for a while, and it isn’t very sexy.  It has been a long time since I really felt like I let you in on the state of my being.  My presence in this community has changed, and I’ve been meaning to discuss why.

I appreciate that my husband reads my blog, but it means that every post has to be carefully worded.  It is awesome he takes the time to read, and has an active interest in this part of my life, but I have to admit it takes some more mental energy to write posts.  I like to avoid making it sound like I’m disappointed at anything, or that I want anything (or anyone) I don’t have.  Not that I do….  My husband works hard to keep me feeling happy, he is generous and very loving in more ways than I can list…so if I blog that I’m not happy about something, or anything but grateful for the life I’m given, I imagine it to be an unsettling feeling for him that I try to avoid out of love.  It exhausted me to think he might misunderstand even when I tried to word things right.

Feelings, dreams, urges, complaints remain loosely bottled 

leaking into my dreams to wake me up at night.

I could have processed negative thoughts and feelings with friends if I felt like I couldn’t blog about it, my friends are bloggers who have reached out to show their support and love.  But I avoided talking to them, too.  And because I did that,  I feel such an immense guilt that I don’t even want to visit their blogs these days.  And I see how much you all love one another and consider one another friends, and communicate and smile and have inside jokes.  All I can think is that I owe so and so an email, them too, them too.

I had avoided investing time in relationships with other bloggers because I have some major trust issues (with people in general).  After a few incidents where I felt like I was one of many friends these people were collecting, instead of someone intriguing and interesting on my own.  I gave up.  I don’t have the energy or time to play house online anyway.  If I give my heart and trust to you, I actually want to spend time with you in real life.

So having said this, I’m going to be publishing a series of posts in the future called My Truths.  These things will feel good to release, but might make someone who reads it mad or sad, I can’t worry about that any more, I need an outlet.  We can consider this post the first My Truths post.  I feel guilty for a lot of things but two things especially: for not trusting my husband to be thoughtful and careful in response to what I express here on the blog, and for not being a good friend to a lot of lovely blogger people in our community.

So with the release of my first truths, something slipped free and I should just leave it here:

I have to admit that I’m just a simple creature. When I get a taste of something I really like, for a while I can’t get that flavor out of my mind.  I circle and rut, kick the dust, and wait.  If I can’t have what I want, what I need, I set my mind and fixate.  Every night these feelings may fade, my palate changes and I look at it another way.  I revel in the withholding, I find power in the without, I turn my back on the what if, and dominate myself.

Hey, to the people whom I owe an email to, or a the people whose chat requests did not get responded to:  I’m really sorry.

And to my husband: I love you so much and I never want to disappoint you.

And to James:  hey dude, when are we going to hang out again?

30 thoughts on “Just another Manic Monday! All About The Truths

  1. You’re awesome, just wanted you to know that. I always thought you had many admirers here and I’m sure they will be forgiving… anyone tell you you worry too much? (teasing)

    You know where I stand on the whole partner reading blog thing – I asked mine not to, not because I had secrets but because it made it hard to write and I hated limiting flow, artistic expression for the sake of reality: what means so much to me here at home. It was hard to ask him not too but at the same time it was causing more friction than I wanted (this was my older much more popular blog). I actually think its great you have managed it, shows a level of love and commitment that you have for him and your relationship but I certainly sympathize with the feeling that sometimes it leaves us feeling censored. He loves you and I’m sure he also understands – you’re rather special that way.

    oh and umm the first picture for me was: yumm, nipples.

  2. I am proud of you for taking the first step in finding that voice again. I’ve missed it. It’s hard to write when you know people you care about are reading. And I applaud your efforts to stay open and go there. You are much loved in the community. Cheers girl.
    -Marian.

  3. Oh G! This is exactly why I’m drawn to you. I love how real you are and how you are willing to put it out there for all to read even if in the end it’s for you are you well being. And your great sense if humor. Love it! Btw, the second pic I said yummy! 🙂

    I totally get it about not wanting your words to hurt your partner. I’ve struggled with this a bit, but I told B upfront this is my outlet, it’s something I’ve found that I can do for me and my sanity. If there is a post that I think he might take hard, I’ll ask him not to read it or I’ll read it to him ahead of time so we can talk it out it and I can answer any questions that may come. But I told him I wouldn’t compromise or sugar coat my feelings to save his.

    Looking forward to your truths!

    xoxo

    • Thank you! I like your approach of reading it to him first, I’m so avoidant of conflict I just can’t say the words sometimes.
      And other times I say too much. 🙂

      • My written word is much more civil than my spoken word, same with B so writing is a tool we’ve learned to use as way to communicate with each other. It’s done wonders. xoxo

  4. How did you get the Poll widget for your blog? I wanna ask my readers some questions too!

  5. I always think you should do whatever is best for you when you blog. This is your space and it’s sacred to you so sharing that with loved ones is hard. I understand too your reluctance to invest in people you talk to online. Don’t feel any obligation to establish a connection or get together with me or anyone else on here if you’re not comfortable. Investing in someone you don’t feel is a long term thing is your right.

    I loved the second photo myself. Just delicious. 🙂

    • When you say it like that I just want to bring you in for a giant hug. I see you differently than others, we have a very real opportunity to meet. I just don’t connect with many on a friend level. But I want to because I want to get to know people, I’m learning I have limits on how much time I’m willing to give. :/

      • I don’t tend to connect with many people on a deeper level in real life. It’s a struggle for me to take people beyond the acquaintance level because I have a distrust and worry as to whether they will hurt me.

        I do hope we meet, sweet G! truly.

  6. The last line made me go ‘Aaaaaaw’, and the pictures made me go ‘oh my goodness’

  7. Love the BOOBIES, read the rest. Gonna give you my gut response. My modern-day quote on blogging is: ‘Once a writer starts worrying about HOW to write their blog? It ceases to be an blog’ – a blog is a journal/diary…albeit online.
    now, that may or may not be applicable to anyone’s situation, but I had to remind MYSELF of that. I had to be particularly cognizant not to change my feelings, emotions, or self-expressions based on the number of viewers, the commentary, or WHO is viewing/reading it.

    just my two cents! 🙂
    -luv

    • Your cents I value very much. I want it back, my space to vent. Maybe its just evolution. I really don’t think my readers want a vent either….see? More boobie pics, first priority is I need to feel sexy again.

      • G, you never cease being sexy! That is a given. Just remember what YOUR space was originally meant for. Your readers came because of YOU – not because of what they wanted you to be. 😉

  8. When I get a taste of something I really like, for a while I can’t get that flavor out of my mind. I circle and rut, kick the dust, and wait. If I can’t have what I want, what I need, I set my mind and fixate. Every night these feelings may fade, my palate changes and I look at it another way.

    Such lovely writing. So much going on as a writer, blogger, wife, lover. Losing that anonymity as a sex blogger is something I’m also dealing with. In fact, I just took a lot of pictures off of my blog because I was worried an angry blogger would plaster them all over the Internet.

    I’m glad to hear you have this outlet and feel as though you can trust it again. Your writing comes alive when you write from the heart. It’s soulful and touching. Having an online community can be tricky, but it sounds as though you have a nice group here who truly values you.

    Keep writing.

    • Thank you so much dear, it means so much to me to read this. Having your encouragement is really meaningful.

      I would love to know more about what happened with this other blogger and the pics and everything!!

      • I found her because she linked back to one of my stories. She basically writes from a perspective that men stray because of loose women. I got into a heated back and forth . . . . nothing more.

        I was probably overreacting when I commented on your post, but she seemed vicious.

        • Oh that sounds intriguing and entertaining!! I can see why she would blame others for her not being interesting enough to keep a man. 😉

  9. I look forward to your Truths, G.

    • I lost a lot of truth steam my friend. It sounded like I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest at the time, but when I go back to read the drafts I’m sounding just a bit bratty.

  10. You know I meant to reply to this when I first read it, but time got away from me. Your post today reminded me of this one.

    I understand where you’re coming from re: having your SO/husb/what-have-you read your blog. I have blogged on that a few times myself. In my situation, one reads it religiously, the other never does. I LOVE it that W reads my blog, and is wholeheartedly supportive, even when it occasionally stings him to read what I’ve written. I believe it brings us closer, and he is very insistent that I not censor myself. So, in that way, even though at times I write and post things specifically for him, I am also able to keep this space as mine, a place of freedom where I can say whatever-it-is that I need to.

    And that’s the bottom line – it’s YOUR space. You get to define how you present what you have to say to the world. And…yes…that comes with consequences, if someone you care about gets hurt (I lost a very good friend and lover that way, as a matter of fact, long ago.) But that is all part of what we do. Go in with your eyes open and by choosing for yourself how you want it to be.

    Personally I have LOVED being invited into your life thru this blog a little. You write with such honesty, integrity and passion…thank you for sharing what you do.

    Oh, and my first thought was “DAYUM!”

    • Thank you so much for this response (my apologies for taking so long to reply!) I appreciate your involvement in my life, I have few friends and to share these things with so it really helps to get this response. Few things in life are mine, and this was a sacred space. But I’m still too afraid of certain thoughts to let them free. I fear of too much hurt, and resentment, for the things I want. That I can’t be appreciative enough. And I fear he will want what I do and I don’t want him to! Oh boy…
      Thank you for being there for me!

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