Happy Monday, I hope you had a nice weekend! It has been a while since I did a Manic Monday post.
I’ve been busy concluding some long-term scientific research I’ve been conducting. Before my results are shared with the world I’m going to give you a sneak peek. But first, would you like to participate in my study?
The process is simple, just look at the photo and record your answer in the poll immediately following the image.
So far my results are consistent:
Participant’s verbal response to two different types of boob pics show a striking pattern. If I pull my top down, “Boobies!!” is exclaimed by 98.3% of the participants. If I pull my top up, “Tittays!!” is exclaimed by 97.8% of the participants.*
What this means for the world right now is yet to be told.
*This study has been fictionalized for comedic sake.
For the record, I’m flattered by “Tittays” as the Urban Dictionary says that means they are really nice tits.
Now, I’m going to share something I’ve been meaning to for a while, and it isn’t very sexy. It has been a long time since I really felt like I let you in on the state of my being. My presence in this community has changed, and I’ve been meaning to discuss why.
I appreciate that my husband reads my blog, but it means that every post has to be carefully worded. It is awesome he takes the time to read, and has an active interest in this part of my life, but I have to admit it takes some more mental energy to write posts. I like to avoid making it sound like I’m disappointed at anything, or that I want anything (or anyone) I don’t have. Not that I do…. My husband works hard to keep me feeling happy, he is generous and very loving in more ways than I can list…so if I blog that I’m not happy about something, or anything but grateful for the life I’m given, I imagine it to be an unsettling feeling for him that I try to avoid out of love. It exhausted me to think he might misunderstand even when I tried to word things right.
Feelings, dreams, urges, complaints remain loosely bottled
leaking into my dreams to wake me up at night.
I could have processed negative thoughts and feelings with friends if I felt like I couldn’t blog about it, my friends are bloggers who have reached out to show their support and love. But I avoided talking to them, too. And because I did that, I feel such an immense guilt that I don’t even want to visit their blogs these days. And I see how much you all love one another and consider one another friends, and communicate and smile and have inside jokes. All I can think is that I owe so and so an email, them too, them too.
I had avoided investing time in relationships with other bloggers because I have some major trust issues (with people in general). After a few incidents where I felt like I was one of many friends these people were collecting, instead of someone intriguing and interesting on my own. I gave up. I don’t have the energy or time to play house online anyway. If I give my heart and trust to you, I actually want to spend time with you in real life.
So having said this, I’m going to be publishing a series of posts in the future called My Truths. These things will feel good to release, but might make someone who reads it mad or sad, I can’t worry about that any more, I need an outlet. We can consider this post the first My Truths post. I feel guilty for a lot of things but two things especially: for not trusting my husband to be thoughtful and careful in response to what I express here on the blog, and for not being a good friend to a lot of lovely blogger people in our community.
So with the release of my first truths, something slipped free and I should just leave it here:
I have to admit that I’m just a simple creature. When I get a taste of something I really like, for a while I can’t get that flavor out of my mind. I circle and rut, kick the dust, and wait. If I can’t have what I want, what I need, I set my mind and fixate. Every night these feelings may fade, my palate changes and I look at it another way. I revel in the withholding, I find power in the without, I turn my back on the what if, and dominate myself.
Hey, to the people whom I owe an email to, or a the people whose chat requests did not get responded to: I’m really sorry.
And to my husband: I love you so much and I never want to disappoint you.
And to James: hey dude, when are we going to hang out again?