filled and fooled


Fire or Fade?


When I put the kids to bed last night, this was the first song that came on our Pandora station:

(Eyes On Fire – Blue Foundation – Twilight Soundtrack [with lyrics])

After a comment exchange yesterday with Jayne the song just further confirmed how I see myself and how I see women like us.  Fire-carriers.  Sort of like this:


She dropped a match.
Then, seeing what had happened,
swiftly walked away.
“I’m so afraid of fire, you see.”
While there behind her,
wildly dancing,
He perishes in flame.

But,  I need to be honest, I feel the heat only half the time; the other half I feel purely ignored and/or completely misunderstood.

Is this just how life is?  Sometimes you feel like a value to society, and sometimes you feel like everyone wishes you would just fade away?  Or is it just me?  I’m too fucking sensitive, maybe.  Probably.  I just need some real in-person adult stimulation… Yes! Stimulation would be great right now.

22 thoughts on “Fire or Fade?

  1. We can all use some stimulation.

  2. If you can hold out for the night the story we talked about on Friday has been dusted of and will post tomorrow morning.

  3. I don’t think you are alone at all in those feelings. I have my days or moments where I feel unneeded, unworthy, devalued, and unloved. I question what is my purpose and where am I headed? blah, blah, blah! And then I tell myself, Fuck that shit! I don’t have time to be all introspective I’m a Rock Star Baby who is needed, is worthy, is valued, and is loved and who the hell cares where I’m going and or why as long as my ass was dancing and singing along the journey. But that’s just me! 😉 xo

  4. Flame on, blinding white hot, my dear G! Some will be warmed by your pure fire, the rest just risk getting burned. How they choose to play with the inferno that is you, is their choice…may they choose wisely.

  5. Hey there. you are not the only one to feel as you do and as long as YOU understand you who cares! I think it’s part of life and what you said – adult stimulation and maybe some wine…and maybe some sexy men ( as Seamus proved to be..naturally – love him )…and maybe alone time…and maybe just another to tell you you’re not alone. I have to say that by this post – you’re the wild fire carrier to NOT cross. : ) xo, Jayne

    • The polarization of my thoughts and feelings I might never understand, so I guess it is too much to expect others to “get”. I feel like I want to get close to others, but I fight it, and run, and then wonder why they didn’t chase me. I need to grow up and just stop worrying about that and figure out why I feel this pull and push.
      You are correct that when my husband got home and I had another adult to talk to (I feel like I reached out to my “in real life” “friends” all day and I’m completely ignored by ALL) I felt a little better. Wine would have been good, I wonder if we even have any. It’s only 9:30am, too early to check, right?

      • Don’t ask me questions about restraint. I’m one to restrain myself so fucken tightly on serious matters that having wine whenever you want – is not serious (unless alcoholism or needing to be seriously responsible for another who can’t dial 911! haha) Anything in moderation. I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to if I had wine this early.

  6. I think this may be one of my most commented upon poems, more in person than online, given that it was originally written in the dark ages …

    (And, since you are reading this, sweet G, I assume that the other comments I have left elsewhere tonight … damn… this morning … YOU at least understand how affected I am by this …)

    All I can say is … I am honored. Honored that you would quote this. Hell. honored that you would READ it!

    Somehow though … I can’t imagine you “swiftly walking” away.

    Over the past couple of years, you’ve learned the stupidity of fear.

    You’d more likely roast marshmallows. GRIN!

    • I’m honored that you could be so honored, though I’ll admit I don’t deserve it. I’m just a girl, a woman, trying to give love out to the world hoping some of it returns in one form or another.
      However, since you speak of fear, I can show you the opposite type of feeling that overwhelms me at times: I don’t fear experiences, I fear deep connections. So that love I give out, maybe it isn’t a deep kind. I’m confused.

  7. I’m with you on the ignored or completely misunderstood idea…maybe everyone feels that way.

    I love this poem dgwolf!

    Dawn, Blog Slacker Par Excellence

  8. You read my email, yet? Hugs to you!

  9. As you know, the wife WORSHIPS all things Twilight.
    As for me, I don’t know what to say….

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