It’s my 1 year blogging anniversary! I made it a year! Woohoo!
So, one year ago today I published my first blog post. It was a simple selfie pic, taken in my kitchen, my tits spilled out of a too-small black “sports bra”. The camera was held tilted up to capture the magnitude of my creamy, heavy, full (of breastmilk) breasts. I loved the attention I received in comments, but I also felt a mix of regret and shame the next day.
It made sense that those feelings would come after the high of feeling sexy wore off, I had taken the step of putting my body out there for the world to see, things are forever on the internet. I wasn’t a girl who did that kind of thing. I have young children, I’m innocent. *grins* Over the next few months I learned to quiet my negative thoughts, and relish in the rush of being vulnerable to further regret and shame–in the form of possible negative comments about my weight or imperfections, or the possibility that I might be discovered by someone I know in “real life”. It is a weird emotion to feel, I think best described as erotic humiliation with a side of exhibitionism.
I enjoy the compliments, too.
But there is so much more to gain than a fleeting burst of euphoria when I share my self-portraits; perhaps by this time next year I’ll learn to work with light instead of cropping and filters to
hide my flaws play up my assets. I think I can be more creative with the depth of my images. Perhaps even a story can emerge from some serendipitous dance of light I’m lucky enough to capture. I strive to have the blog’s gallery full of tasteful, erotic, and artistic images by this time next year.
A few days after my first post was published I started blogging about the direction my sexual life was going in, and how filledandfooled might help me express my fantasies without being tempted to actualize them (without my husband). At that point in time I wasn’t being fully honest with my husband about men I was sexually (but not physically) engaged with and having secrets made me feel sexy and free. Writing has helped me release some of my steam, I have saved more drafts than I have published posts so I still get my “secrets” in the form of a safe space to drop my thoughts, rather than dropping an hour on chatting with someone. A year later I am feeling so much better being free from the weight of keeping secrets, I feel more in control of my sexuality and life, and I am much more secure in my partnership with my husband.
Still, baby steps…
During that first week of blogging, after feeling the highs and lows of a photo post, I really began stepping out of my comfort zone: my first attempt at erotic writing. It was a post about masturbation. With one post I realized I didn’t need to be embarrassed to discuss such intimate details. I got some feedback via comments that I was doing a great job turning people on with my little blog. I imagined tens of
thousa, wait maybe around ten, men and woman dropping the post into their virtual spank bank. The thought of me stimulating myself into a bucking orgasm, pulling a reader’s trigger and wasting their people juice. The cyclical vision of us all masturbating to one another that day gave me a orgasm so strong my toes tingled and my pussy quivered as I prepared dinner. Memorable day…
Despite the time spent cumming that afternoon, I was also able to publish this fantasy. It is so clear that I was thinking about sex day and night at this point *giggle*. I posted this other fantasy a couple days later, which I like a bit better. I really should revisit these stories and continue the fun fantasies.
After my first month of blogging I quit for a time, making all my posts private. I knew I was hooked on the community when I brushed aside the reasoning for quitting and came back. I also had some really good fucking experiences I needed to share. My first one is here.
While I’m not as prolific or passionate as I was at the beginning of this blog, I have changed. I have improved. I have grown. Year 2 is more creative expression and sexual education, less inner growth and intimate relations.
I wish I had some way to thank you, readers. People who comment and/or click “like”–other bloggers–I thank you from the bottom of my heart on this 1 year anniversary. Your support and encouragement has meant the world to me. I love you… 😀