Week 7 now. I am writing a little here and there when time permits. But most of my time these days is spent learning the art of keeping the young’uns occupied and I’m exhausted. It doesn’t leave me feeling sexy at all either…pout.
But I have been swimming quite a bit. The sun is nice, and wearing a bathing suit makes me feel sexy. I’m glad they make some nice suits for curvy girls these days.
This week the writing challenge task was to:
Write a substantial review of a book or blog in your favored genre and contact the author with a link to your post. Write about your experience.
But I am going to take a vacation from the writing challenge this week. Summer break and all…shyness and all. It was a great suggestion though! Maybe I will do this in the future…I have a few blogs in mind this would work for.
I’ve been having a tough time writing and publishing posts for about a week now. I get a little writer’s block sometimes. Usually when I can finally post about it is when it’s dissolving, so I hope that cycle continues. I’ve been reading the truly amazing posts written by fellow bloggers that sum up my feelings so well, I don’t have much to add. So much good discussion going on these days. I hate that my writers block prevents me from commenting as well as posting. The community feeling is what I started this blog for, and what I continue it for.
Another reason I have been corked is that I realized that I have a little problem. Actually considering I blog about sex it is a big problem. Here is the deal:
My husband responded to a Craigslist ad posted by a promising and decent-looking couple (both bi-curious, he is around our age while she is 10 years younger, they live near but in a different city). After a few photo exchanges, and texting or emailing over a day or two–between the husbands, we all decided that we were interested in meeting up for drinks or dinner to see if there is chemistry. They made it clear that they wanted a good friendship in addition to sex, more than that, I think they wanted sort of a ongoing relationship where we would hang out as families during the day and get freaky at night.
Sounds great at first, even as I type this. When my husband presented the idea to me I felt like it was a great idea. But I have an issue, I’ve found. I don’t really want to get to know them and be friends. I don’t really want to do anything but meet up once in a while and fuck. I don’t want to be tied down to another couple, or answer to them, or have to make sure they are secure and happy. The reasons for this go beyond my capabilities of expression right now. But I had strong feelings after a few days that I didn’t want to do this.
But, I tried. One day I texted the husband a picture of my boobs. His response was nice, but immediately he went into how he isn’t photogenic at all (needy for my approval, and I wasn’t in the mood to lie to him so I ignored him). I tried to text with him again the next day, but already I felt annoyed that I had to talk to someone I wasn’t all that interested in. The texts with the wife felt forced and uncomfortable, less friendly and I’m not sure if that was her or I causing it. The next day I explained to my husband I wasn’t into the texting thing. He let the husband know, but he was still going to keep talking to them both, for us. He texted the wife a few times. I was happy for him to have someone to sext it up with…until I read the texts and I got jealous. I hate that I did, I hate it, I know I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to be happy he is talking about me having a blowjob competition with her.
I caused it to all crumble. Since my husband sensed that I was not comfortable with the getting to know them part he let the couple know that we could still meet up soon but we aren’t interested in a relationship with them, just fun kinky wild group sex. He was open to both types of relationships but he always takes care to protect me and never forces me to do something I might regret later. They declined that type of experience, as that was not what they were looking for.
Now I feel bad about it, and wonder if I made the wrong decision. Should I have forced myself to communicate more, get to know them before testing the chemistry? It was just making friends, that shouldn’t feel like torture to me. But it did.
From the start, my husband and I have not had clearly-defined boundaries we can convey to others. I thought it was okay, because until we experience something that makes us uncomfortable we don’t know where our line is. But what happens when our lines are drawn ten feet apart? And/or when one feels kept back by the other? How do you research all the possibilities and decided before trying? The last thing I want to do is hold someone back from achieving what they want, but I also have this strong need to assert myself. Especially when it comes to who I share my body and mind with.
Why does this all make it hard to blog?
“G” wouldn’t have done that. What about my sexual bucket list? What about my blog needing material. What about getting fucked by new people? When I explain to my husband that one reason I don’t want to sext is because I don’t have enough sexual attention to go around. It sounds lame when I type it, and maybe it was an excuse I made up on the spot. But too bad it makes it clear that this blog could hold me back and take too much of that attention away. Because I assume most people are going to want to be friends in addition to fuck partners, I need to change something if we want to continue (and its clear we want to continue). Note: the men we’ve fucked are not really friends in addition to sex partners, I talk to them when they come over, no other times. My husband maintains contact, and I’m more than comfortable with that.
So, tell me, make me feel better or not. Am I a certain type of swinger, like an unattached swinger or some odd new name for it? Maybe we are just “in the lifestyle” but not swingers. Maybe we are just swingers and I’m thinking WAY too much into this. Are there other (women) like me that don’t need to be friends in order to fuck someone? Or is it time for me to get over this and give people a chance? Also, is it usual that most swingers are around 50 and not so good looking or is that the couples in our area? Except for that one couple that I disposed of so easily… and that other couple from New Year’s Eve.
It seems like we are the perfect couple, we are nice to look at, I will make you the best dinner ever, he can mix a delicious cocktail, all night we can all fuck and blow and suck and touch and even spank, and I won’t even require you to talk to me, or cuddle.
Happy Hump Day everyone!