filled and fooled


snapshots of happiness


I am plagued by writers block because I got a little too big for my britches. Unfortunately, as I tried to think my way out of the block, the thought process led me to settle in the thought that I don’t have to be profound in my blog writing, because most likely you are not visiting to read my thoughts on profound things. Hey, want to see my boobs?

Speaking of that, I should have the second part of my fireman fantasy “The Field Trip-2” posted this week. I’m keeping busy with the job search and spending more time snuggling with my kids than ever before. I’m also nursing a heart wound. Sniff, I’m going to be okay…

But I feel compelled to post this random ramble about profound things anyway, today, I don’t know why (maybe because I said I would). Just know that I know I’m trying too hard to sound smart, and I don’t expect any response or like clicks, and its confusing to read…anyway… I wrote this Friday:


I couldn’t wait to get time today to try to whip out a response to WorkSpouseStory’s latest post On New Year, decisions and ending life at 28. This post was really thought provoking, as is everything that comes out of her pretty little fingers (I would say mouth, but I’m pretty sure she is typing everything she puts out there). But rather than leaving my long-winded comment on her beautiful blog I thought I might share here.

Before reading further maybe you should check out the post I’m responding to, and the brilliantly written post she was responding to over written by Anna at Romance, Research, and Reality.  Both posts I’m linking are based on the whole New Year Resolutions thing. My post is about our quest for further happiness, that natural human tendency,  or the motivation to make a resolutions (subsequently improving our happiness).

***Can you see why I got all stopped up here? If I had this shit figured out I probably wouldn’t be blogging. Read on…***

At some point in our adult lives there comes a moment when we have to decide whether we are still heading in the “right” direction, are we happy with where our life is now and where it is heading? Can we be happier? Seems to me that this introspection is healthy and necessary. It helps us move forward and feel accomplished. But does it? I’m guessing the answer is always, “I will be happier if I have more _____.” We can make more money, have a bigger house, more education, better car, more sex, bigger boobs, better job, or more recognition, and THEN we are happy. Nope…

When we are young we don’t have this problem so much. We are happy because we have our lives ahead of us, we are tabula rosas with a checklist set forth for us.  Do you remember ever comparing your happiness to your peers? Your motivations, or goals? Maybe you did, I didn’t, I was just happy. As Anna mentions:

Growing up, most of us didn’t have to orchestrate change — it sort of just happened. We were always facing some sort of transition, whether from one grade to the next, high school to college, college to a first job. There were milestones that meant new and exciting things, like getting a driver’s license, being able to vote, or getting into bars (with your real ID). Each step encouraged us to shed old patterns and do things differently.

Is happiness knowing you are on the right path, doing everything you are doing BUT still being able to take on more? Still being able to improve? Have you ever met a person who really feels like they have it all and they are genuinely happy? Does that person exist? Maybe they do, but they might be working so hard we can’t see it…wait, that makes no sense.

One day not long ago I had to go to Los Angeles for a work-related matter. I lived a couple hours away and I was not looking forward to it but of course being the best employee ever I went with my usual positive attitude. I knew I was about to have my ass handed to me by a snooty lawyer I don’t ever want to see again, but I got through it. Relieved it was over, I was on my way home and not long into it I’m stuck in rush hour traffic.

Normally at that time I’d be wrapping up my work, sitting in my big office with my feet up on file boxes, maybe facebooking or instant messaging with a co-worker about how we need a Starbucks run. But that day I was trapped, going about one mile per hour. I look to my left, a beautiful BMW. At my right, an old Honda. Inside the BMW there was a middle age man, wearing a slick grey suit, jacket on, nice tie. He has his laptop open on the passenger seat. He is on the phone, banging his points home on his steering wheel with his free hand, and rubbing his temples intermittently. I lo0k into the Honda. The man who was about the same age as BMW guy is also wearing a suit, not the best looking suit, but suited nonetheless. Ironically, he was also tapping on his steering wheel. But quickly I noticed that he was singing along to the music he was playing. He looked over and smiled. I waved back and smiled sheepishly, caught.

Then BAM! it hits me. We are all heading in the same direction, slowly, but together. We are all the same, humans, driving home or somewhere else, all going to eat sometime later, all going to go to sleep that night. We are all heading to our death. I’m going to travel there happy, no matter what.

I’m sure by now you are rolling your eyes at me thinking I might have something so profound figured out (enough to share publicly anyway). I’ve said before I’m not entirely happy, yet I’m leading you on a path to some random self discovery I had. But let me assure you, this was just one of the stepping stones of my journey. And so it goes…

Pretty soon after that, my husband and I decided that I would quit my job when our second child was born. We would move closer to family. We would scale back our spending, eating out, entertainment. There were other factors that came about that just confirmed those were the right things to do.

Two years later, am I happier than I was when I was working? Yes, I am. But I don’t feel any closer to self-actualization. It has become painfully obvious, that even though I’m not stressed every day, and I’m singing along to all the songs on the radio, I’m still not getting what I want out of this life. But I gave up asking myself to improve a long time ago. I decided that I’m happy and that is it. For a long time it worked, but lately it is leaving me empty. Between stagnating on my educational pursuits and losing my identity as a “worker” along with my monetary contribution to the family, I’m feeling very unfulfilled.

***And there is where I stopped writing.***

Now, on to the fun writing. This blog is about to catch FIRE!



24 thoughts on “snapshots of happiness

  1. I will fistfight anyone who says your boobs aren’t profound!

    (I actually thought this was a great post. Its the stuff we do different in-between the stuff we all do the same, maybe that’s where the next part of your post lies.)

    • I cannot thank you enough for saying that.

      And yes! That in-between, finding simple pleasures, yes, yes that it.

      • Are you thanking me for the boob part or the great post part? Because I meant them both.

        And I think they can be complex pleasures too, maybe just find personal pleasures. Custom fit for you.

        (My mind somehow made that last sentence dirty, heh.)

        • I’m usually good at picking out the good things in each thing I choose to do (folding towels is good compared to folding shirts, etc) but for some reason I’m having a hard time lately.

          Thank you for both, its important to me to feel desirable and heard.


  2. Good thoughts. I’m afraid the quest for self-fulfillment is a spiraling one, round and round and up and down. All we can do is keep trying to spiral up. Or forget the whole spiral thing altogether and meditate in a cave somewhere, which I have considered doing. Strikes me as kind of boring, though.
    Try not to make fun of your own thoughts, and don’t short-sell your own intelligence. You’re a very emotionally intelligent person, which is vastly more important than book-smarts. A lot of smart people never get beyond thinking that all they need is more stuff and more money, more power or control or whatever, to make them happy, and they are the least fulfilled people on earth. Life is about love, about bonds within us and those we care about that are stronger than a lot of the shit people fill their lives with. Better sex, too, is not always an important goal, but, it sure is nice : )
    Spiral up, G. And you will see more clearly than a lot of people.
    And I, too, will fistfight anyone who says your boobs aren’t profound. That was the funniest thing I’ve read today!

    • On my way spiraling up I want to come visit you and give you a big thank you hug! I’ve been pondering your comment and I can’t come up with much more thank a heartfelt thank you. You are such a wonderful person!

      • Don’t thank me too much, I’m pretty sure I just reworded a bunch of your own thoughts : )p
        Thanks, G, and you’re welcome!

  3. Well. That an interesting post, and you’re far from being stupid. You know that.

    The problem is we can’t get used to routine. You were fine when you stopped working because you changed. Now you’re no more because you’re feeling tired of doing the same things everyday probably. The same way most people do the same thing everyday at work and get tired of it.

    There is only ONE way to get over it. Challenge yourself. Place yourself in situation you don’t know how to solve. Create adrenaline rushes by stimulating your mind & body. I’m not talking about sex. Sex won’t help if you just do it the same. It may help if you try something different though.

    But the idea is this one: give yourself challenges. Learn, use your brain, your body, so that you can get to the victory. Then you’ll feel proud. And you’ll feel happy… And you’ll have to define new challenges… until you die 😉

    • Yes, you nailed it. You made it all feel a lot more clear. As I walked this morning I thought a lot about stagnating and feeling guilt that I didn’t like being with my kids all day long every single day. But I always felt trapped after a couple years in one position when I worked, and ready to move on and up and out. I forgot that important bit. Thank you for showing me I’ve been on this path before! Hugs!!

      • How successful are you now? I just fell again on that post, on my comment, and it still sounds so true… I see you’ve not been posting for a few months, and much less this year… I guess a lot of changes have come your way. For better I hope.

  4. Pingback: Brass Ring « Normal Deviations

  5. I think we’re led to believe there’s a correlation between self-actualization and happiness and that both those things are the ultimate goal of life. I’m not convinced.

  6. “…I don’t have to be profound in my blog writing, because most likely you are not visiting to read my thoughts on profound things. Hey, want to see my boobs?”
    G, you have awesome boobs. Wonderful shape, delicious colour, delightful skin, lovely tone. And those nipples…sigh. I love your boobs.
    I’m probably a bit odd, but I actually come here for your writing. You are very witty and thought provoking. Your stories are very sexy.
    Sorry, you need to get back to the writing. That is why we are here, I think. No pressure then!
    But don’t think you need to stop with the boob pictures. Unless you want to.

    • Hello Nick! First, your complements on my breasts have me just a little tingly (in a very good way). I don’t think I’ve seen you around my blog but I’ve seen you comment on others…so welcome, and make yourself comfortable, feel free to stay as long as you want. 🙂

      I’m now very very VERY motivated to get back to my writing…what writer’s block? Hopefully tomorrow I can trade my morning walk for some computer time if the little one lets me.

  7. Great post!! This sent my mind in a lot of different directions, especially surrounding *what* makes us happy. Apparently it’s not as straightforward as we’d like to think (heck, there’s an entire field dedicated to figuring out the ‘science of happiness’), but you’re not alone in wondering how this damn thing called life really works… Personally, I think being happy is about having a goal and feeling like you’re working towards it. The happiest people I know are the ones who have a focus. Aside from that… ???

    • Are they happy or are they distracted from how they really feel? I’m sure they are happy, but I’m just thinking out loud here.

      Having a challenge, meeting it, and making up a new one does seem like it provides fulfillment and happiness.

      Thank you for commenting and following, so *happy* to see you! 🙂

  8. Pingback: A u B « filledandfooled

  9. Fire is good – and hot!

  10. I have heard it said that happiness is a skill that, when practiced like any other, you become proficient at. We err in trying to define happiness as an elusive “feeling” that we get when we (fill in the blank). People tend to see happiness as an outcome, as the result of something we do. When in fact, it is simply a state of mind. Now, if I can just get a map to that State…. 😉 Beautiful post!

    • Beautiful comment!! So very true.

      Its almost unfair though, that some who work so hard to find happiness are often the least happy. Blissfully unaware, do I want to be that person? Or do I want to be the person that intellectualized it to death? Neither I guess…

I want to know what you think, please comment below:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s