I am plagued by writers block because I got a little too big for my britches. Unfortunately, as I tried to think my way out of the block, the thought process led me to settle in the thought that I don’t have to be profound in my blog writing, because most likely you are not visiting to read my thoughts on profound things. Hey, want to see my boobs?
Speaking of that, I should have the second part of my fireman fantasy “The Field Trip-2” posted this week. I’m keeping busy with the job search and spending more time snuggling with my kids than ever before. I’m also nursing a heart wound. Sniff, I’m going to be okay…
But I feel compelled to post this random ramble about profound things anyway, today, I don’t know why (maybe because I said I would). Just know that I know I’m trying too hard to sound smart, and I don’t expect any response or like clicks, and its confusing to read…anyway… I wrote this Friday:
I couldn’t wait to get time today to try to whip out a response to WorkSpouseStory’s latest post On New Year, decisions and ending life at 28. This post was really thought provoking, as is everything that comes out of her pretty little fingers (I would say mouth, but I’m pretty sure she is typing everything she puts out there). But rather than leaving my long-winded comment on her beautiful blog I thought I might share here.
Before reading further maybe you should check out the post I’m responding to, and the brilliantly written post she was responding to over written by Anna at Romance, Research, and Reality. Both posts I’m linking are based on the whole New Year Resolutions thing. My post is about our quest for further happiness, that natural human tendency, or the motivation to make a resolutions (subsequently improving our happiness).
***Can you see why I got all stopped up here? If I had this shit figured out I probably wouldn’t be blogging. Read on…***
At some point in our adult lives there comes a moment when we have to decide whether we are still heading in the “right” direction, are we happy with where our life is now and where it is heading? Can we be happier? Seems to me that this introspection is healthy and necessary. It helps us move forward and feel accomplished. But does it? I’m guessing the answer is always, “I will be happier if I have more _____.” We can make more money, have a bigger house, more education, better car, more sex, bigger boobs, better job, or more recognition, and THEN we are happy. Nope…
When we are young we don’t have this problem so much. We are happy because we have our lives ahead of us, we are tabula rosas with a checklist set forth for us. Do you remember ever comparing your happiness to your peers? Your motivations, or goals? Maybe you did, I didn’t, I was just happy. As Anna mentions:
Growing up, most of us didn’t have to orchestrate change — it sort of just happened. We were always facing some sort of transition, whether from one grade to the next, high school to college, college to a first job. There were milestones that meant new and exciting things, like getting a driver’s license, being able to vote, or getting into bars (with your real ID). Each step encouraged us to shed old patterns and do things differently.
Is happiness knowing you are on the right path, doing everything you are doing BUT still being able to take on more? Still being able to improve? Have you ever met a person who really feels like they have it all and they are genuinely happy? Does that person exist? Maybe they do, but they might be working so hard we can’t see it…wait, that makes no sense.
One day not long ago I had to go to Los Angeles for a work-related matter. I lived a couple hours away and I was not looking forward to it but of course being the best employee ever I went with my usual positive attitude. I knew I was about to have my ass handed to me by a snooty lawyer I don’t ever want to see again, but I got through it. Relieved it was over, I was on my way home and not long into it I’m stuck in rush hour traffic.
Normally at that time I’d be wrapping up my work, sitting in my big office with my feet up on file boxes, maybe facebooking or instant messaging with a co-worker about how we need a Starbucks run. But that day I was trapped, going about one mile per hour. I look to my left, a beautiful BMW. At my right, an old Honda. Inside the BMW there was a middle age man, wearing a slick grey suit, jacket on, nice tie. He has his laptop open on the passenger seat. He is on the phone, banging his points home on his steering wheel with his free hand, and rubbing his temples intermittently. I lo0k into the Honda. The man who was about the same age as BMW guy is also wearing a suit, not the best looking suit, but suited nonetheless. Ironically, he was also tapping on his steering wheel. But quickly I noticed that he was singing along to the music he was playing. He looked over and smiled. I waved back and smiled sheepishly, caught.
Then BAM! it hits me. We are all heading in the same direction, slowly, but together. We are all the same, humans, driving home or somewhere else, all going to eat sometime later, all going to go to sleep that night. We are all heading to our death. I’m going to travel there happy, no matter what.
I’m sure by now you are rolling your eyes at me thinking I might have something so profound figured out (enough to share publicly anyway). I’ve said before I’m not entirely happy, yet I’m leading you on a path to some random self discovery I had. But let me assure you, this was just one of the stepping stones of my journey. And so it goes…
Pretty soon after that, my husband and I decided that I would quit my job when our second child was born. We would move closer to family. We would scale back our spending, eating out, entertainment. There were other factors that came about that just confirmed those were the right things to do.
Two years later, am I happier than I was when I was working? Yes, I am. But I don’t feel any closer to self-actualization. It has become painfully obvious, that even though I’m not stressed every day, and I’m singing along to all the songs on the radio, I’m still not getting what I want out of this life. But I gave up asking myself to improve a long time ago. I decided that I’m happy and that is it. For a long time it worked, but lately it is leaving me empty. Between stagnating on my educational pursuits and losing my identity as a “worker” along with my monetary contribution to the family, I’m feeling very unfulfilled.
***And there is where I stopped writing.***
Now, on to the fun writing. This blog is about to catch FIRE!