Strength. New life. New hopes. New dreams. New fears. New failures.
Still got these…
I am beautiful, even with my unbrushed hair and dark circles from staying up all night with my sick babe. I am sexy, with my big natural breasts, my wild hair, my curves, my waiting mouth. I give the best blowjobs, I’m told, maybe it’s what my hands do while my mouth works the shaft. I am fun to be around, not just because of the great blowjobs, but because I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff; I like to talk, but I’m a good listener too. Just reminding myself: I’m sexy, I’m beautiful, I’m worthy of other people’s time and energy…
Fappy Valentine’s Day
Love to all you
Hoping you have someone to snuggle today and tonight
Even a kitty or puppy
Or a squishy pillow
To those who have recently stopped seeing a lover, my heart and hugs and love goes to you, Valentine’s Day can suck. Buy yourself flowers and candy and don’t give any fucks about it. It’s just a day, a day of pressure to show or be shown love. Love is all around you.
(Apparently I can’t publish pics from my phone, sorry about that)
Part of the reason I went dark on the blog is that I believe my parents are reading and it makes me totally uncomfortable! I may be wrong, which makes me seem a little nuts, and when I posted about it before I didn’t get the sense it stopped them from reading. My mom has the fucking WP app on her tablet! Why?
I thought we had a somewhat close relationship growing up, but time and time again it felt like they became invasive on my privacy. It is a struggle because I, at times, envy the girls that seem really close to their parents and don’t need such separation. But talking about sex? I just can’t.
So my family wants to know more about me? I can either choose to let them in, keep blogging, and face the fact that they might not like what they see; or, I can stop blogging, and not talk about things we do. Further, I could just stop doing the things I think they would disapprove of, which means there isn’t much to blog about.
Since my husband gets a choice too, we aren’t going to stop.
And since I don’t think exploring with other people is all that bad, I’m going to keep blogging about it. But we are being really careful; this area is experiencing a bit of an outbreak of something nasty. Hell NO! This past year we have only been with two other partners, and one of them was just once. James has been there, though sporadically, for a whole year now, but it has been almost 4 months since we’ve seen him.
I miss him but I’m almost over it. Like I said before I need more more more.
But my honey did get me a Magic Wand (and a very big dildo). So now I’m back to
cumming smiling all the time. Sure lifts the mood. I went a very long time without an orgasm (like a big clitoral one, not a g-spot one) and it was really not good for anyone. My energy dwindled, my creativity was non-existent, and I just felt so hagly. Sure it seems like an exaggeration but it is true.
I’m almost at the point where I want to take a boob selfie again. Almost…
So until next time. Tight Big Booby Hugs
I can’t promise that posting will become a regular thing, but I have more of an urge to write than I did a month ago. And WAY more than the month before that. And now I’m not too shy to have this sex blog public (or I should say I’m not too shy to have the sex bucket list getting views).
As the wonderful blogger Marian assured me, we all have seasons. I’ve gone through a dark and dreary one but my spring is almost here. Forgive me for leaving? Please?
I didn’t see I had requests to view my blog! Aww thank you guys for caring. I’m sorry I went private. I just couldn’t bare the thought of sharing my sex stories with the world anymore, I stopped checking stats months ago but when I would think to take a look I was getting way more hits than I was comfortable with. I will probably open back up in the future, but for now I need to feel safe and protected here.
So I went back to being a sexless prude. Having a public blog sharing stuff about threesomes and sex lists and dildo adventures just didn’t feel genuine anymore. Not that it wasn’t the truth and my true feelings at the time, but so much has changed in the past year.
What happened? Well, gosh, nothing really.
Truthfully, our last threesome was great! I came away sweaty and happy and fulfilled, and even walked funny for a few days. But that was in November. And James doesn’t call or come around much, it seems he only needs it once every couple months. I need more.
But with most areas of my life, I can’t seem to articulate just exactly it is that I want, what I want to change. So I went back to how I was before because I didn’t want to want anymore. Back to not caring about sex, to having a headache or being too tired. The, without the steady flow of orgasms and confidence boosts, I really was too tired, too sad and sexless and evidently depressed.
Today, all my confidence is gone, I can barely look in the mirror, let alone imagine taking a photo of myself.
Which makes it hard to get into having exciting open marriage fun.
So hello, are you glad you are here now?
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt much worse a month ago, when I had NO hope, and I avoided all things sex-related, and REALLY couldn’t look in the mirror. I remember how I talked about putting my hair in a bun and it meant I was ready to take on the day. Now it means I haven’t brushed my hair in a week. Funny how things change.
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel it again. Maybe I will be contacted by a past lover telling me I’m missed. Maybe a platonic friend will show up at my door and give me words of wisdom and hugs that I need from someone other than my spouse. Or maybe I will learn to love myself again (and not for being pretty, but for being smart and caring and passionate about things I love, and being interesting and fun to be with…this is all I want)….